The Immense Power of “Yes And” in Collaboration
The first time I heard “yes and” when I would have expected a “yes, but” was when a facilitator of a workshop was speaking with a participant about something they largely disagreed on. I thought the “yes and” sounded a bit fake and awkward. The cynic in me thought to myself, “We all know what you’re doing there, you really mean ‘yes, but’ and I can see right through you. You can’t trick me.” Though I did notice in that moment that what could have been a very contentious conversation ended up moving along very smoothly.
Because it seemed a bit awkward to use, it took me years to try “yes and” myself. When I finally tried it, I was blown away by the positive results I was getting. These are the kind of results that can’t be internalized until experienced. Below I will explain why “yes and” is much more than just a life hack and how it dramatically improves the way you work with people and what you create in the world.
Three Powerful Effects of “Yes And”
Saying “yes and” when collaborating does three key things:
It relaxes the nervous system of the person you’re speaking with. This is one of those times when the exact word you use really, really matters. To get a sense of how “yes and” relaxes the person you’re talking to: imagine yourself saying something important to someone else and then bracing to hear “but”; and now imagine you hear “and” instead. You can probably notice some tension in your body preparing for the “but” and then notice the relief and how your muscles relax when the “but” you were expecting never comes. Relaxing the person you’re collaborating with is a surefire way to reduce combativeness, increase their openness to collaborating with you, and make them feel comfortable sharing valuable information and context with you.
It signals to the other person that you are including what they have to say into the pool of available information without immediately judging it or ranking its importance below whatever you are about to say next. “Yes, but” means one of two things, either “Yes, what you are saying has importance, but within one second after hearing what you’ve said I have already determined that what I have to say is more important” or “I don’t think what you’re saying is worth even including in the discussion so my ‘yes’ was not a genuine ‘yes.’” Including what people say and considering it is key to building trust.
It signals to yourself to include what they have to say. This one took me a while to realize because I hadn’t heard anyone talk or write about it. This may be the most important effect of all. As I used “yes and,” I started to understand that I was instructing myself to include what they said. Just like the words we say to others matter, so do the words we say to ourselves. When you tell yourself to include something, it starts to get included into the pool of available information. You may find that since you’re so used to saying “yes, but” that saying “yes and” takes a conscious effort and slows you down. This slowing down is a good thing. It gives you time to actually process and consider what they have said.
To include doesn’t mean “yes, we are going to do what you said.” It means that you’re including what they have said into the overall pool of information instead of dismissing it.
When you include something, you’re also expressing that you are thankful they gave it to you (as opposed to being annoyed by their willingness to tell you what they think). Being thankful they gave you information makes them more likely to give you more.
Even if “yes and” feels awkward and clunky to use at first before you’ve gotten used to it, you’ll pretty immediately find that “yes and” still feels better to you and the other person than the more familiar “yes, but.”
Getting More Information Makes You Smarter
Anything anyone you are collaborating with says is important (otherwise they wouldn’t have said it) and gives you additional information, making you smarter and more effective. If what they said wasn’t important in some way, then they wouldn’t be someone you need to collaborate with. Even if you don’t want to collaborate with them, you may need to because of their role at your company or in your life.
Even if what they say seems completely objectively wrong, there’s something behind what made them say it. The fact that they said something that seems completely wrong is important information. If you exclude it, you’re ignoring all the information behind what made them say the thing you completely disagree with. This information is often the most valuable type of information you can get because it has caused your collaborator to land on a very different set of perceived facts, opinions, or and/or conclusions than you.
More often than not, though, the answer to anything worth collaborating on isn’t obvious, so usually there is a large amount of direct truth and important perspective in whatever they have said.
Instead of excluding what people say, get curious about it. What’s behind them saying that? What perspective do they have that I don’t? What external pressures might they be facing? What might they want? What might they be scared of? What can I learn from them? Then ask them genuine, open-ended questions to gain more information while also building trust by being legitimately interested in what they’ve said.
Does This Mean I Can’t Say “No?” Can I Ever Use the Word “But?”
All of this does not mean you can’t say “no.” “No” is an important response in many situations. If someone says “we agreed we’d launch both new products by the end of January” or “we agreed you’d do the dishes every weeknight” and that’s not what you recall, you wouldn’t say “yes and we never agreed to that.” Responding in that way wouldn’t make any sense. In a case like that you’d say a form of “no,” for example: “No, we never agreed to that,” “That is not what I remember agreeing to,” or “Oh interesting, I had seen a different plan, where are you pulling your information from?”
Avoid using “but” during the collaboration. It’s either a “no” (which can be expressed in multiple ways) or a “yes and.” Once you’ve made a decision and are summarizing the collaboration, then “but” can be appropriate to express pros and cons, for example: “We know that pivoting into this new product space will cause temporary disruption on the team, but we need to get ahead of where the market is going so we’ll be refocusing the team on a new product.” (Though you may also notice you can rework that sentence to not have a “but.”)
A Way of Being, Created by Two Words
When you fully internalize all this, “yes and” is more than just a phrase. When you use it, you’re putting the other person at ease, building trust, and telling both of you that you are including what the other person has said.
“Yes and” is both a phrase and a way of being and interacting in the world where you become more aware of more information — information that makes you smarter and helps you create better solutions and better relationships.
Using the “yes and” phrase is a very convenient and simple way to start being and interacting in a powerful new way. You just use it and it works. Once you’ve used it enough, you will start to embody it more and you may not need to use the phrase directly as much anymore. For example, you may respond to someone who says that you shouldn’t pivot into a new product space because it will cause too much disruption to the team with, “Ah yes, I agree this pivot may cause significant disruption for the team. I wonder what we can do to both focus on where the market is headed while minimizing disruption for the team.”
Speaking from experience, you won’t feel the power of “yes and” until you start using it. One of the executives I’m coaching just started using “yes and” and it’s been unlocking so much positive collaboration that they can hardly believe it. It doesn’t matter how awkward you think it sounds at first, use it and you’ll directly experience its power.
P.S. I help founders and technical leaders scale their companies and teams through hypergrowth. I also coach successful individuals in their late 30’s and early 40’s who have reached a plateau and want to feel more alive again in work and life. If one of those sounds like you, please feel free to get in touch at kevin@kevinricecoaching.com.